She doesn't know

That look from his eyes, the stare that felt as if his eyes penetrated her soul. She felt as though he was looking deep within her to see the person she is deep down. Even with the eye drops, she could see the red in his eyes.

He spoke but she didn't hear the words. Shes gazing into a day dream. She agrees and they embrace,just a hug goodbye.

She's conflicted you see, for he has someone, not labeled, not official, full of conflict and frustration. She wants to keep her distance, but the draw is too strong to resist. Something about him that pulls her in.

Will she push him away, as she had before? Is she prepared to take on the challenge that so far has broken her down to nothing? She doesn't know.

Flabbergasted

Well, 3 months after the breakup I went out an an actual first date.

I was kinda nervous only because I didn't know what to expect. Boy oh boy was I surprised at somethings and flabbergasted at others. I spend a little time getting ready, mostly fixing my makeup that I couldn't seem to get right. Dressed casual, blue jeans (now a days classified as mom jeans, more like jeans thay fit), orange and white tank top, grey long sleeve light cardigan, and white vans (that's right bitches, shipped from California).

First I give kudos because he sent me a text saying he was running a little late. I Know I know, its a common courtesy but most guys don't even do that, they just show up late.

Then unlike most guys who will call or text to make you aware they have arrived, he showed up at my front door and rang the doorbell. (Spoiler Alert:Flabbergasted) When I opened the door, I see him standing there, nervously smiling, holding flowers. I didn't know what to say, or do. I have never had someone show up with flowers before.

As we walked to the car there was general small talk, ya know the usual:
Hi
How are you?
How are (insert family member here) doing?
He unlocked the doors of the car from his side, walked around and opened my door for me. Flabbergasted again!

A lot of conversation while driving. It was weirdly comfortable.  Random conversation that was keeping the awkward silence away. I took over the music, determined to not have an awkward silence.

At some point I kinda lost my nerve. Luckily I kept my composure,  but I lost it. In 101 Dalmatians cruelas hair poped out at every stroke of the clock, that's exactly what it felt like. One of our mutual friends and his cousin both told him to be careful. In reference to me. I am not sure if that is positive or negative.

But other than that it was an amazing night. As for a second, we will see.

No More Bullshit

<p dir=ltr>Im done with the bullshit of relationships. The lies the pretending the fakeness the dishonesty the lack of trust. Im done. Im fed up. </p>
<p dir=ltr>When you do everything right, give it your all, put others before you and it always blows up in your face, its a sign there needs to be a change. </p>
<p dir=ltr>My relationship ended last weekend. Not the one that just passed the one before. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I havent cried. I havent gotten emotional and I doubt that I will. I got to a point where I decided I was done. Once that choice was made all emotion went out the window and the repairing began.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Now I am back at home pulling the pieces of my life together. In picking myself up. Rebuilding my self esteem and self confidence. Reminding myself I deserve better than what I was receiving.</p>
<p dir=ltr>He wasnt a bad guy he just had a lot of problems that he needs to fix on his own. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I wont go into specifics but ladies, when you see any kind of red flag no matter the size, dont ignore it...take action to either change it or realize it cant be changed.</p>
<p dir=ltr>I dont want a relationship anymore. I dont want the stress the ridiculous drama and jealousy. I dont want the possessive behavior, the confusion, the lies, the lack of trust and the constant need to be good enough.</p>
<p dir=ltr>But I am good enough.</p>
<p dir=ltr>I am a smart beautiful woman with my whole life ahead of me. I am in control of my life and my happiness. I dont need anyone to tell me im happy or how I am feeling.

I dont need anyone to make me hapoy I dont need anyone to make me feel better about myself.

Im done taking the bullshit. I am making some changes. I am getting myself to where I want to be in life.

If a man wants to be in my life he better understand he is not a necessity he is not a requirement. He is in my life because I choose to let him be. There is no longer a boyfriend position in my life because I am tired or the bullshit.